Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Assorted Army Weekend Tales, I'm damaged goods now.

Dear Penthouse,

Haha. Just kidding, but read on. 

Well, I had an, albeit interesting weekend. I would say that I'm mostly scarred for life and that I may be having nightmares for the rest of my life. In fact it is totally within the realm of possibility that I may never wish to sleep again, for fear that some images from the weekend may appear on the back of my eyelids and burn my corneas. I also raced a bit, but that didn't go so well. 

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Holy crap, what happened to you?" To which my short response is "I stayed with the Mount Holyoke Girls." Why would anyone do such a thing? I was desperate. Now, I had been offered a place to stay by Sully, but I'd stayed with UVM before, at my first ECCC event ever, trapped in a basement in the Arts dorm at Rutgers in 2007. I'm only now getting over that, so I opted for the Low Quality Inn with the supposedly "delicately reared ladies of Mount Holyoke Cycling." 

Now, be forewarned, the descriptions of the selected events told below, may lead you to end up like this guy:

Now, I'll start from the beginning, I got to the Circuit race on Saturday, opting to drive down from Schenectady that morning, because it is just under 2 hours. When I arrived, I found some parking, quickly checked, said hi to the regulars, and walked over to the start line to see the Men's D race go off. Not 5 minutes after I got to the bike race did I have my first scarring experience, thanks to the combined efforts of Sully and the MHC girls, who were armed with two purely horrifying tools of character destruction: A cheap blow up doll and a video camera. I was quickly accosted by the troop of tormentors and found my self being sexually assaulted by the doll, Tori, who's puppet master was Sully. Additionally, as I  stood there sheepishly, embarrassed and confused I realized that this whole ordeal was being video taped.  SCAR 1.

Eventually, I managed to escaped Tori's inflatable man grabbing hands and had some food, set up the trainer and got ready for the circuit race. After a solid 30-40 minute warm up I got to the start with hopes of a solid race. Last year, I had gotten 5th at this race in the C's. So I was pretty confident going in. But, sadly, I just kind of hung in there. I managed to stay near to the front for most of the race, or if I did hang off the back I managed to stay in the bunch without to much effort.  But, when I started to make my way forwards with 3 laps to go I found it exceedingly difficult to hold my position and was in the middle of the pack. When hit the head wind on the last lap I was following Magz's (UVM) wheel to get up to the front, but there was a freakish slowdown and then we made our way to the outside for the last punchy climb. I passed some people, got passed by others and ended up with a lowly 24th. 

Post race, I did a cool down, with UVM Derek and Sully, who came in 1-2 for the green and gold. (nice job fellas) Got changed into street gear and watched the men's A. During this time I hung out in the MHC Van, to stay out of the wind and managed to get out unscathed, there were a few illicit jokes that came my way but I managed and began to realize what I was in for. 

Not knowing exactly where I was going I took Emma in the car with me to follow the MHC van,  driven by lunatic/formula 1 enthusiast Frances, who managed to go flying up the mountain roads and get us lost in Newburgh somewhere. But, I took out my trusty map, found out the general location of the hotel and we managed to get there eventually. 

Now, when we got to the hotel I had one of the more "pimp" moments of the weekend, here I am walking into a hotel room with 4 women, with the Millersville team walking into their adjacent room as well. I think they figured I had game. Obviously, it was the opposite, it was more like being kidnapped by a pack of banshees who must feed off the souls of others. 

After unpacking, showering and changing, the group got their act together and we went over to this diner just down the street. Possibly the worst diner experience I've ever had. Here's why:
  • Waiter was an idiot, took forever and forgot about us after we gave him the check.
  • Food was less than great and expensive.
  • Another waiter, not ours, would come over and hit on the girls and then got yelled at by his boss.
  • The whole meal took 2 hours. We waited over 45 for our food to come and 15 to get our change.
Post dinner involved a trip to a gas station, Target (with some video games) and some relaxing in the hotel. Now, let me tell you. What happened in the hotel room stays in the hotel room. But let's just say that I didn't get much sleep. ....Ok nothing really happened. But lets just say one of the MHC girls would say something and was never really sure if they were kidding or not. Also, I read them a bedtime story with some questionable moral fiber.  

In truth, I just had a hard time sleeping and spent most of the night staring at the ceiling. I guess the "Monte Cristo" that I ordered at dinner must have gotten to me and infected my dreams, or I was terrified of what my happen to me if I closed my eyes. 

But, 9 hours later, we woke up, packed up, I took a shower to help me feel better, as I was feeling awful and then shipped out. I made it over to the race, kind of late and I was not early enough to make my hill climb. Oh well, I spent the rest of the morning sitting in the sun, trying to sleep, drinking Cokes and getting ready for the crit. 

At some point I got into kit, rolled around the lot and hit the trainer for a while before the event. Got to the start and decided to sit in for a while and see how it goes. I wasn't feeling great and was hoping to just hang on. Of course, sometime early in the race I found myself at the front, feeling good and threw an attack for no good reason. I ended up taking John (Middlebury) with me and we stayed away for a short while, however when we got to the major headwind John was seriously putting out the power and I couldn't hang on, so I opted that instead of wasting energy on a break I couldn't sustain I'd just float back into the field. 

Later as the race developed I found myself behind a series of crashes. The first being going up the slight rise at the finish, the second in the chicane and the third being a mess on the flat in the last lap. I managed to make it around all of them and held on for another pack finish. 

Post race, a cool down with John (Middlebury) another coke, watched the Men's A race, and began the drive home. Now, here's a tip for all you folks who have long drives, if you're REALLY tired like I was, get your self some sea-shanties. Why? Because you can sing along, and that's exactly what I did the whole way back to school to keep me alert.  

Made it back, went to sleep at 8pm, woke up at 8 the next day and I managed to survive the weekend. What a weekend. 


  1. Oh my.

    A pack of banshees, eh? See if we ever offer you a place to stay again!

  2. Steven, you might not remember this because I think it happened in a small window of time when you were actually asleep. How do I break this to you... you're pregnant. And the baby is mine.

  3. Back in 2007 when UVM stayed in my former dorm at Rutgers someone took a dump on the floor of the shower. Two years later it is nice to know who actually did it...[just admit it].

  4. STEVE ATTACKED!!!!!! Holy shit what has this world come to. Steve I looked up the road and was like, wow Steve actually did it. Then some kid next to me said is that the kid who talks more than he bikes. "yup, thats Steve" and this kid had the idea to bridge to you STEVE!-his bridging attempt ended after 10 seconds and he got dropped. So Steve, you made someone suffer!

    btw you should put the option of anymous post back on so I can say things again without you knowing its me

  5. Emma - I kid because I love you guys. Thanks.

    Rachel - I was wondering why you had that syringe.... Now I know. I'm going for an open adoption.

    Andy - I'm pretty sure I had nothing to do with that....

    Derek - Expect more of that. I'm having enough of these sunday club rides.

  6. Oh! I'll totally adopt that fetus and give a whole new meaning to the phrase "baby-daddy!"

  7. so when will the tell-all expose you are writing hit shelves? also have you sold the film rights yet? a night with the mhc women will surely outsell a night in paris...