Friday, September 28, 2012

How to be a career cat 3

Tired of sucking? Tired of waking up at 5am to race? Tired of being pack fodder for Tim Powers? Do you just want to be competitive, but not enough so that people call you a sandbagger?  Then this blog post is for you!

In just a few easy steps you too can master the skills needed to be a career cat 3 cyclo-cross racer! 

With my years of experience I've learned how to be around 30th in some of the nations biggest cat 3 races, and so can you! 

The first and most important thing for you to know is that your race DOES NOT MATTER. Regardless of how much it may matter to you, it is so totally unimportant in the grand scheme of things. In reality, it's just a way for you to call your self a  "bike racer" to your co-workers and not just some other loser that rides alone on the weekends. 

Another key principle is to remember that you have more important things that you should/could be doing with your time and money, like your taxes, cleaning your room, paying off loans, just generally all the important adult things you put off to go play bicycles. Once you don't think, but KNOW, that you have more important things to do, you are ready for the next step.

If you have any of the following things, get rid of them:
  • A Coach
  • A Plan
  • A Power Meter
  • A hear rate monitor
Now that you are a coachless, planless, meterless human you are ready for the next step. Don't train. Don't even use the word "training," riding your bike outside of racing is simply that, "riding." No intervals, no structure, just ride enough that you enjoy it. The added bonus of this strategy is you never "have to" ride, you ride because you want to, because the weather is nice, because you need to get out some frustration, because it's fun. This alone removes so much stress from your life.

Eat whatever you want. I mean, you totally burned 3000 calories over the weekend, so of course you deserve BBQ chicken and beer for recovery. If gluten free vegan cupcakes are your jam, have a half-dozen. The point is that you've already told your co-workers you are a bike racer, so they assume that you, much like Lance Armstrong need 10,000 calories a day just to survive. 

Race all the time, because it is your only real form of training. I usually do 40 races a year across all disciplines, road, MTB and cyclo-cross. Also, go to training races, as many as you can. This allows you to FEEL like a bike racer, but you don't actually have to go out and do intervals on your own to hang out. You get all the benefits of a high intensity workout, without having to be anti-social. It's amazing how much you can race by spending all week on the couch and then smashing your face each weekend. Also, racing all the time will improve your points, which means that you won't necessarily start front row, but you won't be last row either. 

Race day
The first thing you do is ride the course, just fast enough so that you'll know how to handle everything at speed, but not so fast that you'll tucker yourself out. This is far more important than doing a real warm up, because if you can't pedal fast at least you wont fall down, and look a fool.  After that, be sure to socialize, people only know you are a bike racer if you walk the walk AND talk the talk, so be sure to talk about the weird off camber, the angle to the barriers or your "training" from the past week. 

During the race
Don't soft pedal, don't give up, and race hard. Give the fan(s) a show, if people really, truly believe that you are trying they can't insult you for sucking, and since you haven't been training you sure won't be at the front of the bike race either, so they can't call you a sandbagger. It's a truly beautiful system. 

After the race
Don't cool down, socialize! That's what post race is for, talk about the off camber, or the guy that "totally dive-bombed that corner." 


Remember that if you do all these steps, you'll never actually get good, but you sure as shoot won't get really bad either. You'll be in the happy medium (somewhere around 30th) for the rest of your life!

Good lack and happy mediocrity!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

September is awesome

September 2012 is one for the ages, and it's only going to get better. I started it off in my happy place, Maine's North Woods, where I went for some swell bicycle rides around a very large lake.

I then made a quick trip down to Maine's Mid-Coast where I took some more photos and was rather pleased with life.

I then spent a few days back in reality at work, home etc... and did the Portsmouth Criterium, which was just the best. I followed that up by fixing up my cycle-cross bicycle and gluing up some tubular tires in preparation for the Green Mountain CX weekend.

After that I'll be doing the TD Bank Mayor's Cup with 13 teammates around Boston's City Hall, and that will be just super.

I'll close out the month with the GP of Gloucester and some beers.

I'm so thrilled that summer is over, because I love cool mornings and not sweating all the time.

So in summary, September is Awesome.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I still don't totally suck at bike racing

Despite what my road results profile might say, I just wanted to dispel the rumor(s) that I suck at bicycle racing.

So, I have some proof from the Portsmouth Criterium! 

That's right, I called my shot, like the great Bambino and delivered.

Also, I won $25 (AMERICAN) by sprinting and a pile of Skratch slaying it on the front.